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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



THE FATAL STROKE; 



OR, 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 



BY 



WILLAED BIVOLL. 




NEW YORK: 
BAKER & GODWIlSr, PRINTERS. 

PRINTING-HOUSE SqUARE, 

1869. 






Entered according to Act of Congress, in the yearlS69, by 

WILLARD DIVOLL, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern 

District of New York. 



PREFACE. 



Reader : I am aware that the subject of Tem- 
perance has been discussed in almost every form ; yet 
it is one so intimately connected with the welfare of 
individuals and communities, that I have been in- 
duced to write this little work, believing that my 
manner of treating the subject is novel, and hoping 
thereby to impress more thoroughly on the minds of 
all, especially the young, the ruinous results of what 
is called moderate drinking. Drinkers generally 
flatter themselves that they are all right if they are 
able to attend to business, and do not get staggering 
drunk. But facts show that a large portion of the 
males of this country, and in all rum-drinking coun- 
tries, if not drunkards, are decidedly Rum Struck^ 
which is another name for ^' drunk," with its varia- 
tions and modifications. The Rum Struck are 
easily distinguished from the natural man or non- 
Rumj Struck. There are thousands terribly aiflicted 
with the Riim Stroke who are not aware of the fact^ 
while others can see it very distinctly. I trust that 



4 PREFACE. 

the facts and hints I have given in this little work 
will induce all to study the subject more closely, 
especially the young. 

I believe the ladies will give my little book a 
warm reception, as they are favorable to clean men 
— such as neither use rum, tobacco, nor profane 
language. The really temperance men will encour- 
age me, as they sympathize with every effort to 
make men wiser and better. I believe moderate and 
immoderate drinkers will read it, because it more 
deeply interests them than anybody else. Young 
men, no doubt, will read it carefully, because writ- 
ten especially for their benefit. 

AUTHOR. 



INTRODUCTION 



HORACE A. COOK. 



I have carefully read this Manuscript entitled ''The Fatal 
Stroke, or the Philosophy of Intemperance," and find the subject 
treated in a manner which will at the same time captivate the 
attention and convey a salutary lesson to the reader. The author 
has made drinking men talk in bar-rooms and other places of 
resort, but has avoided all profane and vulgar language so common 
among that class. A variety of significant names has been intro- 
duced to represent different characters whose counterparts the 
reader will at once find in his own city, village, or neighborhood. 
There is no doubt that men are liable to become drunken or Rum 
Stricken more or less according to their physical constitution. 
This difference is represented by the Woodenbottoms, and Ironsides 
is clearly true to nature. The description of the Rum Struck class 
is an important feature of the work, and is deserving of special 
attention. The majority of this class are not so far gone as to be 
insensible to reason and truth, and there is a natural desire in all 
rational beings to maintain health, beauty, and vigor. And the 
ever present consciousness of carrying on their person the visible 
signs of the Rum Stroke should be a constant warning to all, and 
a powerful incentive to reformation. There is a charm and attrac- 
tiveness about the work which cannot fail to secure the attention 
of the youthful reader, and leave a lasting impression upon his 
mind. The author has done well in submitting this volume to 
the public. Parents especially, whether temperate or intemperate, 
who wish their children to lead a life Qf honor and usefulness 
should at once place a copy of the work in their hands. Sons and 
Daughters of Temperance, and other similar organizations, will 
also find it an excellent auxiliary in promoting the noble work 
in which they are engaged. 



THE FATAL STROKE; 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 



I HAVE written this treatise for the benefit of all, 
but more especially for young men. The conclu- 
sions are the result of my observations, and I really 
believe them to be true. I wish you to criticise 
them sharply but candidly, and satisfy yourselves of 
their truthfulness. You have heard of people being 
struck in various ways. I have not had much expe- 
rience that way, and hope, by the blessing of God, I 
never shall, but can imagine that it would be \^yj 
disagreeable to be struck in any form. Some are 
struck with men's fists, which often results in a fall, 
or a black eye ; some with policemen's clubs, which 
gives a sore head ; others are struck with brickbats 
and shillalahs, producing very disagreeable sensa- 
tions. These are bad enough, yet by no means the 
most fatal strokes to which men are subject. It is 
worse to be struck by lightning than by a brickbat, 
though the person struck by lightning might not 
experience any pain, as the stroke might produce 
instantaneous death ; yet the result would be deplor- 
able. Others are struck with the palsy, which is a 



6 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

stroke very much to be dreaded, though not always 
producing instantaneous death. Some are prostrated 
and often killed by a stroke of the sun. These are 
evils which none of iis would like to experience, and 
I am thankful that most of themi may be avoided, 
and those which are unavoidable seldom occur. Per- 
sons who are struck with brickbats, fists, stones, and 
clubs, are generally doing something they ought not 
to do. No one should give himself the least uneasi- 
ness about lightning, as there are a thousand chances 
for one to die some other way than being killed by 
lightning. 

Having now mentioned some of the more princi- 
pal dangerous strokes to which men are liable, I will 
give you an account of a stroke more fatal than any 
of these, and one you have scarcely thought of — I 
mean the Rum Stroke. For my present purpose I 
shall divide the human family into two classes — viz. : 
the Rum Struck, and those not Rum Struck, or the 
Natural man. These two classes embrace all. You 
would be surprised if you knew the magnitude of the 
first class. I do not think that it is equal to one- 
half, but the proportion is very large. Probably one- 
third of the males, in many communities, are Rum 
Struck. There are many females, also, to say the 
least, slightly aflfected that way ; yet theirnumber is 
small in comparison with the males so afflicted. It 
is important that all should know how to distinguish 
between the Rum Struck and the Natural man. 
There are a few cases requiring close observation 
and accurate judgment to determine to which class 
they belong. And, my young friends, there is no 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 7 

subject more profitable for you to study than the 
classification of the human family under these heads. 
Remember that every person you meet will come 
under one or the other of these divisions, and must 
be put down as Rum Struck or not Rum Struck. 
Rum Struck men are seen everywhere. In cities 
they seem to form nearly half you meet in the streets^ 
saloons, lodging-houses, and cars. Where there is 
one man who would be called a drunkard, there are 
ten Rum Struck men w^hose condition is not much 
better. Rum Struck men appear to be multiplying 
beyond all calculation. I am astonished at the num- 
ber I see in my daily observations among men. 
Drinkers generally flatter themselves that they are 
using very tine liquor, and therefore it cannot injure 
them. Let me say to you all, that whether you 
drink what you call fine liquors or vile mixtures, if 
you follow it up you wall soon find yourselves badly 
Rum Stricken. The best liquor will kill ; the only 
difference is that vile mixtures will make shorter 
work of you. 

There are some persons who drink strong liquors 
occasionally, yet are not Rum Struck, because the 
effect of the liquor has not as yet made its appear- 
ance on their outer man. Young men, let your 
thoughts be turned to this subject, because it is in- 
timately connected- with your welfare in these times 
of excessive Rum Drinkino;. However li2:htlv some 
may think of it, yet nevertheless it is a terrible thing 
to be Rum Struck. It is more dangerous, more dis- 
graceful, more to be dreaded than all other strokes 
to w^hich the human family are liable. A Rum 



8 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Struck person Is doomed, ruined, lost, unless he im- 
mediately applies the remedy, which is total ahsti- 
nence of all strong drinks. And even this will not 
restore and reconstruct the man mentally and physi- 
cally as he was made by the hand of God, especially 
if the symptoms of the Rum Stroke have been of 
long standing, yet it will generally save him and 
make him respectable and useful. In old cases the 
Rum Stroke cannot be wholly obliterated, yet the 
man may be saved as by fire — the disease may be 
stayed, but the effects of the Stroke are often indeli- 
bly fixed upon the person. You may ask me if a 
young man becomes Rum Struck the first time he 
gets intoxicated. I answer no, though he receives a 
temporary shock, yet from which he soon recovers, 
and if he does not again become intoxicated, there 
will be no visible signs of the Rum Stroke left upon 
him. It is only by repeated shocks that the Rum 
Stroke fixes itself upon the body and mind of the 
man or woman. If these shocks are repeated a cer- 
tain number of times, though they be ever so gentle, 
they will produce symptoms of the Rum Stroke. 
That is to say, that if a man drinks strong liquor 
daily, so as to excite his system, he will in time be- 
come a Rum-Struck man, though never known to be 
at all drunk. Yet if he often gets drunk, the Rum 
Stroke will the seoner make its appearance. These 
mild shocks are very dangerous, because liable to be- 
come more and more severe almost unconsciously, 
till the man is thoroughly Rum Struck. So you see 
that men may become Rum Struck without being 
really drunk at all. If a man drinks pretty freely 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 9 

of strong or intoxicating liquors, though he might 
never be so affected as to disqualify him for business 
or taking proper care of himself on all occasions, 
vet he will surely become Rum Struck. Ah ! here 
is where thousands deceive themselves and make 
shipwreck of their bodies and souls. They congrat- 
ulate themselves that they are never seen unable to 
do business, or staggering through the streets or hold- 
ing themselves up by the fence or lamp-post, or heard 
yelling like wild Indians from the effects of rum. 
They flatter themselves that they are very temperate 
and exemplary men, when at the same time they are 
ruinously Rum Stricken. The close observer dis- 
covers at once their true condition ; he knows that 
they have received the Fatal Stroke ; it is seen in the 
eyes, in the skin, and sticking out on the nose, and 
on the cheeks, and often manifests itself by a pro- 
truding abdomen, and by the whole general appear- 
ance. 

Deluded mortals ! they have become irretrievably 
Rum Stricken, without being conscious of it. Young 
man, beware of the Fatal Stroke ! 

Many young men form the habit of using strong 
drinks after the following manner : Mr. A. is a 
young man of eighteen years, who has never been 
intoxicated, nor has he the least marker symptom of 
the Rum Stroke about him. A. is invited to a 
drinking-place by Mr. B., a professed friend, whose 
habits were decidedly bad, on pretext of enjoying 
themselves at some games of pleasure. A. accepts, 
and has his pleasure as well as his pain, for when 
they left the place of pleasure and dissipation, he 



10 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERAl!^CE. 

was incapable of walking at all gracefully, but cut 
verj ngly zigzag lines in every movement. Not 
that he had drank much liquor, but not being used 
to drinking, a little made him drunk. B. laughed 
at him and joked him — told him that his head was 
weak, and that he must practice a little — gain 
strength and not be so green. However, B. takes 
very good care of his friend A., and sees him home 
all safe, but not all right. 

After a few days B. gets A. out again to a place 
of pleasure. A. is very cautious this time, drinks 
liglitly, and at the closing of their pleasure hours he 
finds himself perfectly sober and in command of his 
own person. B. congratulates A. on his success, and 
assures him that he will soon be a man and a gentle- 
man. A. is simple enough to believe that he has 
really acquired some power which will make him 
more manly ; and is actually proud of himself from 
the fact that he had been to a place of dissipation and 
pleasure, and had taken part in the games and in 
the drinking, and still was yerj capable of taking 
care of his own person — not obliged to submit to the 
disgrace of being taken home by another, as before. 
A. takes courage, thinks he will be a man — takes 
small drinks and enjoys himself like a real gentle- 
man. Consequently he has many more meetings 
with his friend B. and others. But he was unfortu- 
nate enough soon to fall in with a very convivial 
party, and not willing to be behind the foremost in 
spirit and liberality, and as the mutual treating and 
drinking went round, those not able to stand up 
under heavy doses began to show symptoms of in- 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 11 

toxication, and before the closing of the carnival Mr. 
A., to use a plain word, was very drunk, and his 
person had to be taken charge of bj others who had 
better use of their senses and limbs. Poor fellow ! 
Where is the man and gentleman now ? Time passed. 
A. became what is termed a periodical drunkard, to 
the great disgrace of himself and annoyance to his 
family and friends. B. was seldom known to be 
really drunk, but in a few years he became a badly 
Rum Struck man. His eyes and nose were very 
red, his face bloated, his language profane, vulgar, 
and coarse, and his manners offensive. His whole 
personal appearance testified that he was terribly 
Rum Stricken ; and I am safe in saying that he died 
of the Rum Stroke at about tlie age of fifty -five years. 
Young man, beware of the Fatal Stroke ! 

Drunkards and Rum Struck men are not all 
alike, by any means. Mr. G. is an entirely different 
man from Mr. B., as you will see by the following- 
account : I knew Mr. G. well. I saw him daily 
and conversed with him frequently. He was an edu- 
cated man, a lawyer by profession, refined in his con- 
versation, polite in his manners, always neatly and 
elegantly clad — really a gentleman. He had a plenty 
of this world'i goods, an amiable wife, beautiful and 
interesting children, and I believed he loved them 
dearly. Mr. G. was never seen in any common 
drinking-place, taking his drams at the bar — no, in- 
deed ; he was too proud and dignified to be seen in 
such places. But he had acquired a habit of drink- 
ing liquor, and he loved it, no doubt. Consequently 
he gratified his tastes in this respect to their full de- 



12 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

mands. He kept a plenty of good brandy and other 
liquors in his cellar, of which he drank daily, and 
offered them to such friends as he thought would 
like to participate with him, but he scorned to urge 
or offer them to those who were opposed to their use. 
Mr. G. was never seen staggering along the streets, 
or heard talking in a boisterous manuGr from the 
effects of liquor. He remained quiet and gentle- 
manly till the day of his death. And I am sorry to 
tell you that he died of the Rum Stroke. A gentle- 
man not called a drunkard, but nevertheless died of 
Rum Stroke. All his friends saw for years before 
he died that he w^as badly Rum Stricken. But I 
suppose he did not realize the fact. It was a pity 
that so kind-hearted and gentlemanly a man should 
thus destroy himself. Young man, beware, beware ! 
I verily believe that thousands continue to use 
strong drinks because they do not understand the 
philosophical principles thereby involved. Many a 
man says to himself, " I know that I use strong 
drink several times a day, and I am not sm*e that it 
injures me, nor am I quite certain that it does me 
any good. I feel conscious that I have the power to 
break the habit whenever I have a mind to do so." 
Such persons reason correctly when they say that 
they can quit whenever they have a mind. • But the 
great difficulty is to have a mind. To have a mind 
means a determined resolution to do or not to do a 
certain thing. Now, philosophically, no person can 
form a resolution to do or not to do a certain thing 
without a sufficient motive to move the will to that 
purpose. A drinking man must have powerful mo- 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 13 

tives to enable him to form a resolution sufficiently 
strong to overcome his acquired habits and appetites. 
Acquired habits will call him regularly to his drinks ; 
In's appetites will often remind him that a small 
drink more will not hurt him ; his nerves and other 
bodily functions will occasionally notify him that he 
actually need^ a little stimulus. All these influences 
together will surely keep the person who has once 
formed the habit of drinking continually at his cups, 
unless something alarms him — unless great danger 
is imminent. Just so long as the drinker flatters 
himself that liquor does not hurt him, nor disgrace 
him, he never can quit — it is morally impossible. It 
is not so easy to form a resolution to quit drinking 
rum as some people imagine. I say, philosophically, 
the person who has that habit can not form such 
resolution without a sufficient motive. The drink- 
er feels conscious of his power to quit ; that is, he 
feels free to do so, if he had a mind ; but he does not 
know the difficulty of getting such a mind. Where 
is the mind to come from so long as he feels that 
drink does not hurt him, and that he is all right ? 
Other people may see alarming symptoms in his feat° 
ures and general appearance, but he sees them not. 
Others may see (though not what is termed a drunk- 
ard) that he is rapidly becoming Rum Stricken. If 
he could see and know himself as others see and know 
him, he would be enabled to form a resolution to 
quit forever the use of strong drinks. "Whoever reads 
this, if he is in the habit of drinking strong liquors, 
let him examine himself — inquire into his own con- 
dition, and not deceive himself. Whoever will do 



14: THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

this candidly, will no doubt find a motive to induce 
him to quit forever the use of rum as a beverage. 
Ignorance of the philosophical workings of strong 
drinks is the secret of drunkenness and Eum Struck 
men. Men become irretrievably Rum Stricken be- 
fore they are aware that they have been at all in- 
temperate. For instance, Mr. D., who was really a 
Rum Struck man, would pray and exhort in relig- 
ious meetings. He yet had some respect and liking 
for the good Word. His brethren had to caution 
him from time to time about his habits, as they saw 
unmistakable evidences of intemperance. Finally, 
not heeding the admonitions kindly given, he was 
informed that he must give up the bottle or the 
church ; and not thinking that he was an intemper- 
ate man, he decided to stick to the bottle and let the 
church slide. Poor man ! he tried to enjoy both 
rum and religion, but his success was decidedly bad. 
He did not know his true condition in body or mind ; 
he thought it right to use rum what he called tem- 
perately. This man thought that lie w^as using rum 
moderately, yet he had under that process become a 
decidedly Rum Stricken man, and his influence in 
the church was, of course, demoralizing. I knovv a 
Mr. R., who is a member of a church and is very 
wealthy. He contributed largely toward erecting 
the house of worship, and he pays a large part of the 
minister's salary. He is a very nice man excepting 
his habits of drinking. He is never drunk, perhaps, 
but is badly Rum Stricken. To turn him out of 
church would be equal to stopping the wheels of the 
whole machinery. So nothing is done about the 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 15 

matter m the church. I think they had better try 
and reform him. I think it possible, as he is a man 
of sense. Possibly this gentleman enjoys religion to 
a certain extent. I believe he is aware that he some- 
times drinks too much ; but he has not yet been able 
to form a resolution to quit. Sometimes I think the 
man who drinks and gets drunk, and staggers about 
the streets, and falls in the mud, more favorel than 
the man who drinks hard and never gets intoxicated, 
because the former is made conscious, by unmistak- 
able signs, that he has been drunk, and knows that 
if he keeps on in that way he will soon be entitled to 
the dreaded and terrible appellation oi Drunkard ^ 
while the latter, by constant hard drinking, is brought 
to the same physical and mental condition as the 
former without being aware of the fact, or receiving 
the dreaded name of drunkard, I. hope that many 
drinkers, when made to understand the results of 
hard and continuous rum drinking, will take the 
alarm, and be enabled to form a resolution to quit 
the vile and destructive habit altogether. The man 
who never staggers may nevertheless drink twice as 
much rum as another who is often seen intoxicated. 
The man w^ho never staggers may show more indeli- 
ble signs of the Rum Stroke than the man who occa- 
sionally gets very drunk, and he is as wide of the 
mark of true manhood as the other. In this connec- 
tion, my young friends, 1 wish to give a short history 
of two very numerous and well-known families in 
this country, and, in fact, they are numerous in all 
civilized nations. I do not refer to the Smiths and 
Browns; no, for they bear no comparison in num- 



16 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

ber or notoriety to the families I how liave in mind. 
As soon as I shall name them you will remember of 
having seen many of them in your communications 
with your fellow-men. 

I refer to the celebrated families of Ironsides and 
Woodenbottoms. Which of you liave not heard of 
old John Ironside, and William, Charles, Jacob, 
Peter, and Philip Ironside ? They were among the 
early settlers of this country, many of whom were 
most estimable men and citizens. Some settled 
South, some East, and otliers in the North and West, 
so that their descendants are well distributed over 
the country. Tlie Woodenbottoms were also among 
the early settlers of this country, and their descend- 
ants are as numerous and as w^ell dispersed as the 
Ironsides. The Ironside family have many excellent 
traits of character ; they are the bone and sinew of 
this country, and furnish a large portion of its 
brains. 

The Ironside family, perhaps, have furnished more 
great men than the Woodenbottoms. They have 
distinguished men in all branches of knowledge — in 
art and science, poetry, music, etc. The Wooden- 
bottoms, however, are not far behind the Ironsides 
in their men of note. In some branches of knowl- 
edge I think the Woodenbottoms are superior to the 
Ironsides. 

The Woodenbottoms are of a sanguine-nervous 
temperament, and quick of apprehension, while the 
Ironsides are of the nervous-bilious — strong phys- 
ically and mentally — slower, but more enduring 
than the Woodenbottoms, There is a constitutional 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPEKANCE. 17 

difference in the two families which results in marked 
characteristics of each family. The Ironsides, as a 
family, are rougher, harder, and more thorough- 
going than the Woodenbottoms. I have now men- 
tioned some of the distinguishing characteristics of 
the two families. Now let us see how they stand on 
the rum question ; for under no circumstances do 
men so strikingly show their natural traits of char- 
acter as when under the influence of strong drink. 
I am sorry to say that both families are much ad- 
dicted to strong drink, but drink affects them differ- 
ently according to their natural constitutions. We 
shall find that the Ironsides distinguish themselves 
at the business of rum drinking, as well as in more 
honorable pursuits of life. But I can tell you that 
the Woodenbottoms are by no means slow at this 
business. If any difference, I would say that the 
Woodenbottoms are more eager for a drink than the 
Ironsides. So far as drinking rum is concerned, the 
Woodenbottoms have a good record. Yet when 
they go in for a trial of strength with the Ironsides 
in rum drinking, they find themselves '' caved," and 
laid out high and dry, while the Ironsides are yet 
quite fresh and good as new, simply because nature 
has furnished them with a metallic constitution. I 
have seen, and no doubt that many of you have, a 
party of spreeors made up of Ironsides and Wooden- 
bottoms. Men generally mix in this way when they 
mean to have a jolly time; a variety of elements 
always tends to make the party more lively and 
interesting. In such spreeing parties I have noticed 
that the Ironsides would keep what is called sober, 



18 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INIEMPERANCE. 

while the Woodenbottoms would be nearly all drunk. 
Some would be staggering about the room, and oth- 
ers asleep on the chairs ; and when drinks were 
called, some of the Woodenbottoms were unable to 
come to time, though they made desperate efforts to 
do so. They felt bad, no doubt, to hear that their 
companions were to have another round of drinks 
{^foT they could not see)^ and they, poor fellows, 
not able to get to the bar to participate. A Wood- 
enbottomer generally, so long as he can hold up his 
head and see anything at all, is ready for another 
drink. As the spreeing party proceeded from hotel 
to hotel, from grogshop to grogshop, the Wooden- 
bottomers began to fall off. One is left at this place, 
and another at that place, asleep or too drunk to 
walk. Some sit down on the sidewalk, or tumble 
down in the streets ; and as the day breaks, and the 
early light of morning reminds the party that it is 
time to bring their conyivialities to a close, they 
count noses, and find that John, Sam, Phil, Jim, and 
nearly all the Woodenbottoms, are absent. They 
were strewed all along the route, some here and 
some there, and those who still continued with the 
Ironsides were so drunk that it took both sides of the 
road to contain them, and their tongues were so thick 
that they were incapable of uttering a single articu- 
late sound. The Ironsides made sport of these poor 
fellows, yet they pitied them because they were so 
weak-minded as to get drunk and disgrace them- 
selves. 

The getting drunk, I think, was owing more to a 
weakness in the knees and back than in the mind — 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 19 

that is, when compared to the Ironsides. The Iron- 
sides go home in triumph. They are able to find 
their own houses, and they recognize their own wives, 
and what is better, their wives recognize them, 
thongh somewhat damaged in personal appearance. 
The wife of the Ironside asks him where he has 
been, and what has transpired. He answers very 
indefinitely, but does not forget to tell her all about 
the Woodenbottoms, how they got drunk and dis- 
graced themselves and the party — how they spewed 
and staggered about, and tumbled down along the 
route. 

Mrs. Ironside thought it a shame that the Wood- 
enbottoms should make such beasts of themselves — - 
should so disgrace themselves and their families; 
and she thought that Mr. Ironside should go in better 
company. She was quite right, yet Mr. Jacob Iron- 
side, her husband, had drank, no doubt, twice as 
much rum during the " spree " as Mr. John Wood- 
en bottom, who is asleep at the Pewter Mug Hotel, 
or Mr. Samuel Woodenbottom, who is lying along 
the roadside between Bull's Head and the Telegraph 
Hotel. I have only given a brief account of a single 
party made up of men of these two distinguished fam- 
ilies, but you must remem.ber that similar gatherings 
are continually taking place, with the same general 
results. I have given some particulars in reference to 
this party, in order to caution those who belong to 
the Woodenbottom family about joining the Iron- 
sides in a party of pleasure, especially when drink- 
ing liquor is to be the order of the day, as they will 
surely come off worsted. 



20 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Now a few words about rum suckers, or hangers- 
on about hotels and other places where rum is sold. 
There are many of both Ironsides and Woodenbot- 
toms who act in that capacity. It would be difficult 
to tell which family furnishes the greater number of 
this class. But one thing is certain, the Wooden- 
bottoms die off early, while the Ironsides often hold 
out to pretty good age, consuming during their life- 
time an enormous amount of rum. These hangers- 
on do little odd jobs about drinking-places for their 
grog or small pay. They are often a source of rev- 
enue to the proprietor by their readiness to drink 
with others, asked or unasked. They are always 
prompt to the call for drinks, and are very sociable- 
The following little conversation between Captain 
John Ironside and Sam Woodenbottom, at the Union 
House, is characteristic. " Good morning, Mr. Wood- 
enbottom," said Captain Ironside ; " will you take 
a drink with me ?" " Captain Ironside, I don't care 
if I do. I think a small drink will do me good, as I 
do not feel very well this morning," said Woodenbot- 
tom. '^ Don't feel very w^ell," returned the Captain ; 
'' you fellows are always talking about not feeling 
very well, and that a little rum would cure you. 
If that were the case, you would always be well, for 
I am sure you drink rum enough to kill or cure a 
horse." "Woodenbottom smiled, and took the retort 
good-naturedly. "Do you call that a small drink ?" 
said the Captain to Woodenbottom, as he turned 
out nearly a tumblerful of liquid fire. " O Captain 
Ironside! I have not had but one smile this morning, , 
and I feel the need of something a little bracing," 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 21 

said Woodenbottom. "Yes, no donbt," returned 
the Captain, " joii need something bracing, and you 
will find yourself braced up against a post in two 
hours, if you take such drinks as that ; besides, the 
landlord cannot make any profit, Woodenbottom, on 
such drinks. If there were many such fellows, you 
would break the house." " Captain," replied Wood- 
enbottom, "- you know I generally take small drinks, 
and am seldom drunk, and the proprietor makes a 
deal of money off of me, as I drink here with a good 
many people during the day." " I should think it 
would kill you, Sam, to drink so much rum," said 
the Captain. "Captain Ironside," said Wooden- 
bottom, " do you really think that I drink as much 
rum one day with another as you do ?" " May be 
not," said the Captain, '' because you are dead drunk 
so much of the time that you are unable to get to 
the bar. Besides, you ought not to drink much ; 
you are old and weak, and do not eat as much in 
two days as I do at one meal." " I am not so old 
and weak as you imagine," returned Woodenbottom. 
" I do a deal of work about this house. I do not 
know what they would do without me." '* I have 
no doubt,"'said the Captain, "you are a very useful 
man, Mr. Woodenbottom. Come, let us take a little 
more, and I will go. I see," said the Captain, as 
Woodenbottom turned out his liquor into the glass, 
" that you are no lover of small drinks, Mr. Wooden- 
bottom." " Indeed I am," returned Woodenbottom, 
smiling, " but I prefer a large one. Captain." " You 
are right now, old Sam," said the Captain ; " give 
us your hand. Good morning to you, sir." " Fare- 



22 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

well, farewell. Captain Ironside ; may luck attend 
you," replied Woodenbottom. 

Now here comes Charles Tumbledown, who is a 
distant relative of old Sam "Woodenbottom, on the 
Tumbledown side of the house. Charley is a fair 
representative of that branch of the Woodenbottom 
family. Charley Tumbledown is yet quite a young 
man, but a notorious drunkard. His father left him 
a snug little fortune, and if he had properly taken care 
of it, it would have made him comfortable through 
life. I think his ]3ortion was about six thousand 
dollars. But ever since he came into possession of 
the money he has done little but drink rum and 
treat others. So his life and money are fast wasting 
away. Charles is very liberal and careless with his 
money wheneverhe gets drunk, and that is quite often. 
He is robbed of his money by a set of dishonest fel- 
lows, who are constantly watching their opportu- 
nity. Charley Tumxbledown meets old Sam Wood- 
enbottom at the Union House. ''How are you, 
Charley ?" said old Sam. '' None the b-b-better for, 
you," said Charley. '' Charley ! I see you are on 
a 'bust ' yet," said old Sam. " Come, old Sam, let's 
t-ta-take a smile," said Charley. " I don't care if I 
do," replied old Sam ; " I think a little would do me 
good, as I don't feel very well this morning." " You 
never do fe-feel very well, Mr. Wo-woodenbottom. 
I fe-feel first rate," stammered Charley. Mr. Tum- 
bledown, having been on a "spree" for two or three 
days, was so weak and drunk that he came near 
falling on the floor as he attempted to walk. " Sit 
down — sit down on the chair," said old Sam, " and 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 23 

rest yourself, then try and get home, so that your 
wife can give you a good thrashing for getting 
drunk." " Slie had b-better not under-t-ta-take 
that," said Tumbledown. '' Good-by," said old 
Sam; ^' I have a little work to do, so I must go." 
" Gro-good-b-by," stammered Charley. 

Just at this moment Mr. John Zigzager came 
into the hotel. " Hallo ! Mr. Zierzasrer " said old 
Sam Woodenbottom, ''how are you this morning?" 

Zigzager. I am well enough; how do you get 
aloPag ? 

Sam. Well, I am not very smart this morning, 
friend Zigzager. 

Zigzager. No, I suppose not. Well, Sam, if you 
will treat to something you will feel better. 

Sam. Well, Zigzager, I would do it in a moment 
— my disposition is good — but to tell you the truth, 
I haven't a single " redJ^ 

Zigzager. Unfortunate man ! Old Sam, I've got 
a shilling or two left. Come, let's take something to 
drink. 

Sam. Well, I don't care if I do, Zigzager ; I think 
a drop of something would do me good this morning. 
(They fill their glasses.) Did you know that I and 
you are related, Zigzager ? 

Zigzager. Very distant. I claim no relation, Sam. 

Sam. Why, you need not be ashamed of the rela- 
tion, for you must know that the Woodenbottoms 
are a great family. I know the pedigree of tlie whole 
"kin." Your grandfather was Isaac Zigzager, a 
very smart man. He married one Miss Mary Right- 
uply, daughter of Judge Rightuply. You have 



21 THE PHILOSOPHY OF IN^TEMPEKA^N^CE. 

heard, John, of Judge liightuply. He was one of 
the best men who ever lived. The Judge did not 
favor the union of his daughter with Isaac, your 
grandfather, because Isaac was in the habit of get- 
ting intoxicated. Isaac was very good looking and 
very smart, and promised never to drink any more, 
and Mary was much attached to him. So the match 
was finally made. But your grandfather did not 
keep his promise to drink no more — for he always 
loved his drams, and Vv^ould occasionally get too 
much. Yet he v/as a business man — when sober. 
It is said that his wife had great influence over him, 
and that all his success was owing to her. "Well, 
John, her mother was a Woodenbottom, daughter of 
John Woodenbottom, who was one of the first men 
in the town. 

ZiGZAGiER. Yes, Sam ; I believe there is some fam- 
ily connection between our family and the Wood- 
enbottoms, but I could never keep the run of it. 

Just at this moment Mr. William Perpendicular 
came in on some business, and the following conver- 
sation took place between him and Mr. Zigzager : 

ZiGZAGEE. Good morning, Mr. Perperxdicular. 

Perpendicular. Good morning, sir; how do you 
do, sir? 

Zigzager. Mr. Perpendicular, I have just had 
something to drink at the bar. Won't you take 
something at my expense ? 

Perpen. ITo, sir, I thank you. I do not drink 
any rum. 

Zigzager. Well, take some lager, sarsaparilla, or 
soda water. 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 25 

Perpen. Oh no, sir ; I drink coffee, tea, and wa- 
ter ; and when I want anything better or stronger, I 
prefer to bny it myself. I do not believe in being 
treated to drinks by anybody, sir. 

ZiozAGER. You are not offended, Mr. Perpen- 
dicular ? 

Perpen. Oh no, sir; not at all, sir. 

ZiGZAGER. I suppose, Mr. Perpendicular, you 
think that you are. a better man than I am ? 

Perpen. Oh no, not at all, Mr. Zigzager. 

ZiGZAGER. You are ashamed of my company, I 
suppose ? 

Perpen. I must say that I am ashamed of your 
habits, and the company you often keep ; but as a 
man, I claim no natural superiority over you or any 
of your company. 

Zigzager. My habits make me so low that I am 
not entitled to your respect ? 

Perpen. Your habits make you so low that I am 
determined not to practice them, lest I might also 
be degraded. 

Zigzager. Did you ever see me do any thing very 
disgraceful, Mr. Perpendicular ? 

Perpen. Yes ; I have seen you, in consequence 
of strong drink, do many things disgraceful — though 
I suppose you did not mean it. 

Zigzager. Now, just name what I have done that 
is so disgraceful. You do not see me in the gutter, 
do 3^ou ? 

Perpen. Well, I do not know as I ever saw you 
fall down ; but I liave seen you mark out a very 
crooked path. I should consider myself disgraced if 
2 



26 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

I got SO drunk as to stagger from one side of the 
road to the other. I should consider myself dis- 
graced if so drunk as to be unable to drive my horse 
in the road. I should consider myself disgraced if, 
in consequence of liquor, I drove my oxen into the 
gutter, and upset a load of hay. You asked me to 
state some disgraceful acts. You do not deny these 
acts, do J ou ? 

ZiGZAGER. Well, Mr. Perpendicular, you know 
sometimes when a man meets with friends he will 
get a little too much. But you know that it is sel- 
dom that I get out of the way. You do not put me 
on a level with Charles and John Tumbledown, do 
you? 

Perpen. Well, Zigzager, you are a little better 
on your legs than they are ; but you drink more rum 
than they do. You say that you do not often get 
out of the way. I think you do. You are out late 
at nights; you annoy your wife and children; you 
spend your money for rum which you should put to 
a better use. 

Zigzager. I have got more money than some 
cold-water men, Mr. Perpendicular. 

Perpen. What if you have; that is nothing to.' 
the point. Yet there are some cold-water folks who 
have more money than you. For instance, there are 
your neighbors Mr. Springwater and Mr. Straight- 
goer. Ten years ago you had more than both of 
them together. Now you cannot deny that they 
have got the start of you. Their houses, barns, and 
farms are in a far better condition than yours. 

Zigzager. Well, that may be ; but I intended be- 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 27 

fore this to have put mine in order ; but money has 
been so " tight "' that — 

Perpen. Yes, money has been tight with you, no 
doubt ; but you were tight before the money was. 
O Mr. Zigzager ! if you will quit this rum-drinking 
business, you will feel better and be better, and mo- 
ney will not get '^ tight," nor you either. Good 
morning, sir. 

Zigzager. Good morning. 

At the central depot of the great Safety Railroad 
people of all classes, professions, and trades, meet for 
various purposes : some to take the cars, some to 
meet their friends who might arrive ; others to look 
after freight, and many to get a drink in the hotel 
adjoining. A great variety of talk or conversation 
may be heard in and around the depot and hotel. 
Well, just on the steps of the depot a short time 
since, the following conversation took place between 
some mechanics, a farmer, and a Quaker. The 
mechanics appeared to be well acquainted with each 
other, and must have belonged to the place. The 
three who took part in the conversation were called 
Frank, Jim, and Ike. The conversation commenced 
about protective unions, and closed with the rum 
question, in which the farmer and Quaker partici- 
pated. 

Jim. Frank, do you belong to the Protective 
Union % 

Frank. Ifot now, Jim. I did once ; but I could 
not stand your strikes. I could not afford to be idle 
half of my time. 

Jim. Frank, you are one of those fellows who will 



28 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPEEANCE. 

work the life out of themselves for little or nothing. 
I can make as mnch as yon do, and not work half of 
my time. 

Frank. No, I do not work for nothing; bnt it 
is far better to work for moderate wages than to be 
hanging aronnd doing nothing. I do not believe 
you save much money, Jim, if you do get big wages ; 
because you are idle so much. When I am doing 
nothing, I am spending what I already have ; and 
you know such is the case with yourself, Jim. 

Ike. That is the truth, Frank. I know it is so 
in my case. I do not call myself a spendthrift by 
any means ; but during the strikes I find my money 
goes fast. I take a drink here and there ; I treat 
and am treated, and before I am aware of it my mo- 
ney is gone ; whereas, if I had been at work, I should 
not have drank perhaps more than two glasses a day. 
Jim, you know that you spend twice as much for 
rum as I do. 

Jim. Well, a fellow may as well spend his money 
one way as another — it must be spent in some shape. 
I do not want to work every day ; I want some time 
for pleasure. If you were all like me we would 
agree not to work for less than seven dollars a day. 
Then we could spend some money and have some 
left too. I am not like Frank — he is too close and 
mean to spend a cent for pleasure in any sliape. 

Farmer. How would it do for the farmers to 
club together, and agree not to sell a bushel of pota- 
toes for less than four dollars, and other things in the 
same proportion ? 

Jim. I will tell you, Farmer, how it would work : 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 29 

we mechanics would not buy your stuff, for we could 
not pay your prices ; we would buy or Lire some 
pieces of land, and raise our own potatoes and other 
vegetables. 

Farmer. Just so. And if we have to pay a car- 
penter seven or eight dollars a day, and masons at 
the same rate, otir houses would cost so much that 
we could not pay for their erection. So we should 
have to turn carpenters, and put up our own houses. 
If they did not look quite as well, we could live in 
them. 

Quaker. Friends, allow me to say a word. I 
think I see the difficulty. Everybody wishes to 
make money, or rather to get money ; but very few 
love to work for it. So all kinds of contrivances are 
got up to fill the pockets of each man with money, 
w^ithout patient labor — the Eight Hour Law, protec- 
tive unions, and so on. Now, friends, as a principle, 
to make money without working hard for it, is sim- 
ply impossible. For poor men to make money (and 
most men are born poor) without patient labor, would 
be like carrying one's self over a river in a basket, or^ 
discovering perpetual motion. Certain rules to pro- 
tect labor vv^ould be well enough if they could be ap- 
plied. But those who would protect their labor by 
combination or without combination, must have the 
elements of protection in themselves. If they are 
wanting in industry or temperance, they may com- 
bine as much as they please, yet they will find no 
real protection or benefit resulting from such com- 
bination, but rather a damage. 



30 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERA:N'CE. 

Jim. Then, Friend Broadbrim, yon do not be- 
lieve in protecting the labor of a poor man — -do j^ou? 

Quaker. Yes, James, most certainly I do; and 
my plan of protection is a sure one. It was never 
known to fail, and if thou wilt try it thou wilt find 
it to turn out as I say. Thou sayest that a laboring 
man should have seven dollars per day. Now, let 
me tell thee, James, if thou shouldst have ten dollars 
per day thou wouldst save no money. 

Jim. Why not. Broadbrim ? 

Quaker. Because, when thou hadst wrought two 
or three days, thou wouldst do no more till thy mo- 
ney was gone ; for thou art fond of pleasure and dis- 
sipation. There is no principle of industry or pro- 
tection within thee, James. The more you get a day 
the less days you will work. I know this from your 
own confession. 

Frank. That is so. He would have no more 
money at the end of the month if he had ten dollars 
a day than now. 

Quaker. Friend Frank appears to have protec- 
Jtive principles within him, and he will thereby surely 
protect his labor, union or no union. A man's labor 
is protected more by saving its proceeds than by pro- 
curing high rates. Friends, there are many obstacles 
in the way of perfect protection ; but let me tell you 
all, that the principal one is, simply, rum-drinking. 
Though you are all strangers to me, yet I perceive 
that Franklin is a temperate man ; and I have no 
doubt that he has, and is, laying up some means to 
make him useful and comfortable during life. I per- 
ceive that he has the elements of protection in him- 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTliMPERANCE. 31 

self. James says that he is ineaH. Now I tell thee, 
James, that Franklin is not mean for saving his mo- 
ney, and thus protecting his labor. Industry and 
temperance never made a man mean yet, but rather 
virtuous and noble. 

Ike. It is no use of denying this, Jim. We know 
that we have spent most of our earnings by drinking, 
and have earned much, less in consequence of our 
habits. 

Fahmee. I know something about this myself- 
I formerly drank moderately — though never vs^-as 
drunk in my life, except on some public days I 
might have gotten somewkat excited by taking a lit- 
tle too much. I have always worked hard, and spent 
nothing needlessly, except for liquor. I did not think 
I was doing wrong., I was not aware that the mo- 
ney I used for rum made any particular difference 
with the result of my labors. My wife used to com- 
plain that she could not have things so comfortable 
as neighbor B.'s wife. Yet I worked as steadily and 
performed as much as neighbor B. Neither of us 
had much to start with. But B. was strictly tem- 
perate — lie never spent a cent for rum or any strong 
drink, except perhaps occasionally in sickness. B. 
laid up something every year, and was steadily get- 
ting ahead of me, whicli fact I could not well under- 
stand. Well, certain circumstances induced me to 
review the Vv^hole matter. On this review I found 
that the little item of rum made all the difference 
between my prosperity and neighbor B.'s. 

Quaker. No doubt of it, friend. And now thou 
art a temperate man, and reapest the benefit of thy 



32 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INIEMPERANCE. 

labor ; friend, thou hast discovered the true principles 
of protection. 

Farmer. On examining into my habits I found 
that I was using about three glasses of liquor or ale 
per day. Now, you may not believe me, but I tell 
you that little item of expense kept me constantly 
behindhand. 

Jim. O Farmer ! that never made the difierence. 

Farmer. Yes it did ; and I will show you how 
it did, and it will work so with you and any poor 
man when he is starting in business, no matter Avhat 
his calling may be. Now, as I said, I drank about 
three glasses per day, that was thirty cents, and by 
calculation I found that that would amount to two 
dollars and ten cents per week, and there are fifty- 
two weeks in a year, which equaled $109.20 a year. 
Now, that sum will buy eleven barrels of flour at 
ten dollars per barrel ; that w^ould make bread 
enough to supply a large family. If I raised my 
own bread then I would save over one hundred 
dollars toward my groceries. Now, for a man just 
starting in business, and is hard pushed to make 
ends meet, one hundred and nine dollars per year is 
not to be despised — in fact, that amount lost yearly 
is sure to keep a poor man forever poor in any ordi- 
nary business ; and that amount saved, in. a few years 
is sure to make a frugal man independent. This is 
a fact which you cannot get over or around — the 
result is a mathematical demonstration. It is only 
since I have saved the one hundred and nine dollars 
that my prosperity commenced. And if you will all 
do as I am now doing — abstaining entirely from rum- 



THK PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 33 

drinking — you will find that your earnings will ac- 
cumulate steadily, and in the course of a few years 
you will be quite independent. 

QuAKEE. Friend, thou art entirely correct. And 
there is another view which may be taken of this 
one hundred and nine dollars per year. It is not 
well to borrow money when one can get along with- 
out it, but sometimes, in starting a business, it is 
necessary to do so. Now, we find by calculation 
that at seven per cent, $109 will pay the interest on 
$1,557, so that the man who drinks no rum would 
have the advantage of $1,557 capital over the man 
who drank three glasses of grog per day. JSTow, 
this amount of money properly handled,*in a few 
years would give any man a good start in business. 
So, friends, rum-drinking is not only often fatal to 
health, but is absolutely fatal to prosperity, though 
taken in moderate quantities, as our friend the farmer 
has shown us. The principle is correct — though a 
poor man work ever so hard, he never can get ahead 
so long as he drinks two or three glasses of grog per 
day ; yet there are thousands striving to gain prop- 
erty, and do not know that the few drams they daily 
take keeps them constantly at the starting point. 

Now remember, that no union, no association 
can protect you unless you first protect yourselves 
by industry, and, above all, by temperance. I see 
the cars are approaching : I must soon depart from 
this place. I will bid you all farewell. (The Qua- 
ker here takes the Farmer by hand and says:) I 
believe, friend Farmer, thou art a good man. Mayest 
thou be guided into all truth. I bid thee farewell. 



Si THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Farmer. I thank you for your kind instructions. 

Quaker. Not at all, friend. We are indebted 
to thee ; thou hast shown us the great evil of mod- 
erate drinking. I never understood it so well before. 
Farewell, friend. 

Farmer. Farewell. 

Quaker. Friend Franklin (taking him by the 
hand), I perceive that thou art in the right way. 
Thou art a temperate and industrious man ; thou 
layest up thy wages when thou art young and strong, 
that thou mightst have support when sick and old. 
But, friend, do not set thy heart on this world's 
riches, but rather seek through the Spirit that in- 
heritance which fadeth not away. I hardly need to 
say to thee, Franklin, drink no rum. I bid you 
farewell. 

Frank. My dear friend, I thank you for your kind 
expressions and the interest you take in my welfare. 
Farewell. 

Quaker. Friend Isaac, I perceive that thou art 
willing to confess thy faults ; there is much hope of 
thee. I pray thee drink no more ricm^ but save 
thy earnings to support thee in old age, if thy life 
shouldst be spared so long. May the Spirit be with 
thee. Farewell. 

Ike. I must thank you for these kind words of 
advice, and I am determined from this hour to drink 
no more strong drink. Good-by to you, my friend. 

Quaker. Friend James, thou delightest in folly, 
pleasure, and dissipation. May the Good Spirit give 
thee a better mind. Nothing but the Spirit can con- 
vert thee, James, and make thee a temperate, indus- 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPEKANCE. 35 

trioiis, and happy man. May it be thus with thee. 
Farewell. 

Jim. Friend Broadbrim, I like thy preaching, 
and shall never forget thee, nor the lessons of this 
hour. I cannot promise now that I will drink no 
more rum, but I will think of the matter. Fare- 
well, old friend. 

QuAKEE. Friend, thou listeneth well (said the 
Quaker, extending his hand to a bystander), but 
thou takest no part in the conversation, like many 
others here. 

Ike. His name is Peter. 

Quaker. Peter is a good name. My name is 
Benjamin West. Dost thou believe in temperance, 
Peter ? 

Peter. I do, though I sometimes drink too much ; 
but from this time henceforth I am resolved to drink 
no more rum. I see my error. 

QuAKs.R. A good resolution, Peter ; mayest thou 
be strengthened and blessed in it. Farewell — fare- 
w^ell all. 

Here the conversation ended, and the company 
dispersed. All who participated and listened ap- 
peared to be much interested, and I believe the truth 
found a lodgment in many a heart. 

Nothing deceives men so much as rum. It de- 
ceives them in the quantity they drink— in the 
money it costs — in the time w^asted, and in its gen- 
eral effect upon health, character, and prosperity. 



36 THE PHILOSOPHY OF i:N'TEMPEIiANCE. 

There is in the town of Allbusiness a certain man, 
a lawyer bj profession, who is sometimes elected by 
the people a judge or magistrate. He has the confi- 
dence of a large number of business men, is consid- 
ered a safe and sound lawyer. His name is Charles 
W oodenbottom, and when simply a lawyer he w^as 
called Esquire "Woodenbottom, but on being elected 
a magistrate he was called Judge Woodenbottom. 
Judge Woodenbottom is by no means an extraor- 
dinary man. He possesses fair abilities, bears a good 
reputation, keeps tolerably good hours for the town 
of Allbusiness. I am not quite sure that he is a 
member of any church, but I know that he attends 
church regularly, and believes perhaps firmly the 
essential principles of the Christian religion. I have 
said that Judge Woodenbottom is not a very extra- 
ordinary man, and certainly he is not extraordinary 
in his habits of visiting the hotels for his drinks, and 
this is the light in wdiich I wish to exhibit him at 
this time. In this particular I think he may be 
considered a representative rather than an extraor- 
dinary man. "Well, Squire Woodenbottom, or 
Judge Woodenbottom, as he is now called, is in the 
habit of visiting various respectable drinking-places 
for the purpose of getting a little stimulus, several 
times during the day. Lately he is often seen at the 
Telegraph Hotel. There is also in this town a well 
known character called Philip Ironside, w^ho is now, 
and has been for the last thirty years, what may be 
called a hanger-on at the hotels. Philip is now 
over sixty j^ears old. Old Phil, as he is called, be- 
longed to a respectable family when he w^as a young 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 37 

man — -that is, his father was a very respectable man 
and a good citizen, not addicted to much drinking. 
But Philip early became a lover of rum, and he has 
continued to gratify his appetite up to the present 
day. He has a nice wife, and she, fortunately, owns 
a small house, where they have a comfortable home. 
He often misuses her, but she keeps it all to herself. 
He has two or three sons, one of whom is a very 
respectable man ; the others are somewhat dissipated. 
Phil was seldom seen ragged, but often with a rather 
neat patch on his knee and elbow. Had it not been 
for the kindness of Phil's wife, he would have gone 
to destruction long before this. She took sufficient 
interest in him to repair his clothes, and make his 
appearance as respectable as possible. I would not 
have vou nnd erst and that old Phil Ironside is the 
worst man in the world. He is quite intelligent, 
and considerable of a politician ; when young was 
an ardent Jackson man, and now believes in liberal 
ideas ; was a strong Union man during the war ; 
believed in giving everybody his rights, even to 
the negro. He has been in the habit of staying 
about drinking-places, doing odd jobs for his rum or 
small pay, ever since he was twenty-five years old ; 
knows a great deal about all those transactions which 
generally transpire at such institutions. He is pleas- 
ant and communicative, especially to those who ask 
him to drink with them. Twenty-five years ago he 
stayed mostly at the Black Bear Hotel, where they 
kept lodging, food, and drink for man and beast. 
For a few years he has been at the Telegraph Hoteh 
I have introduced Judge AV'oodenbottom and old Phil 



38 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERAiq^CE. 

Ironside because I happened to be present at tbe 
Telegraph when Judge Woodenbottom came in to 
get a drink, and old Phil being in the bar-room the 
Judge asked him to drink with him. And I may- 
remark here that many of the most respectable 
^drinkers were in the habit of treating old Phil. He 
always had some compliments for them; besides, 
they could get much valuable information from him, 
as he was w^ell posted on many subjects. The conver- 
sation between the Judge and old Phil was charac- 
teristic and instructive. I shall only give that part 
of the conversation which is pertinent to my pur- 
pose. It is a little strange, but nevertheless a re- 
markable fact, that when hard drinkers meet, much 
of their conversation is about rum-drinking. They 
joke and twit each other on the quantity of liquor 
they consume. If one thinks he is more respectable 
than another, he is sure to remind his more dilap- 
idated companion of the fact in some pointed re- 
marks. The one who treats takes the liberty of 
saying what he pleases to his more unfortunate 
friend, who is so short in purse as to be unable to 
return the compliment. The hanger-on cares little 
what is said to him, so long as he gets his rum. 
While waiting to see a gentleman at the Telegraph 
Hotel not long since, I saw Judge Woodenbottom 
enter the bar-room where old Phil Ironside was 
sitting, waiting no doubt for some esquire, judge, 
farmer, or mechanic to come in and invite him to 
take a drink. The Judge recognized old Phil at 
once, and the following conversation took place : 
Judge Woodenbottom. Good afternoon, Mr, 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPEEANCE. 39 

Ironside. I am going to take a little something ; 
will you join me? 

Phil Ironside. Certainly, I will ; and I am very 
glad to see you, Judge. 

Judge. What will you take, Phil? 

Phil. Whatever you drink. Judge, I shall drink. 

Judge. Barkeeper, I will take a little gin, if you 
please. 

Phil. Then gin it is for me, too. {They fill their 
glasses.) 

Phil. Judge, excuse me, but I tell you candidly, 
you are the best Judge that ever sat on the bench in 
this town. Your decisions are just ; you go for 
right, without regard to men. 

Judge. Thank you, Mr. Ironside ; I always try 
to do justice. 

Phil. Here's health, happiness, and long life to 
you, Judge. 

Judge. Thank you, Phil. {They touch glasses^ 
and drinh.) 

Phil. Judge, what do you think of the Cuban 
affairs? 

Judge. Oh, I don't bother myself about Cuba ; 
yet I think eventually Spain will lose Cuba. 

Phil. Well, Judge, I go in for the independence 
of Cuba. I believe the people of that island, and all 
people, should have their rights. I was a Union 
man during the war, though I was no black Eepub- 
lican at first, yet if liberty means black Republican- 
ism, then I am the blackest of the black. These 
temperance people are trying to take away my riglit 
and your right. Judge, to have a social glass. I 



40 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

don't believe in kingcraft, priestcraft, nor any craft 
whicli takes away men's natural rights and privi- 
leges. I say, let every one eat and drink what he 
pleases, Judge. 

Judge. Phil, I suppose you were a politician in 
the days of Jackson. 

Phil. Yes, Judge, I was a Jackson man all over. 
Jackson was a man who went in for the people and 
right. Ah, Judge, the days of Jackson were good 
old days; we had the right kind of men to govern 
the country then. There was Judge Marshall, too ; 
wliere do we find such men now ? Excuse me. 
Judge, I do not refer to you. You are young 
enough yet. Judge, to occupy the Supreme bench, 
and no doubt you are capable. 

Judge. Phil, what jou say about Jackson and 
Marshall is very true; as for me, I have no as- 
pirations for high positions. I am quite satisfied 
with the position I now hold. 

Phil. Well, Judge, I go in for the people and 
right. 

Judge. You believe in, I suppose, the vox Pop- 
uli vox Dei. 

Phil. I have seen that phrase. Judge, but I do 
not exactly understand its meaning. 

Judge. It means, the will of the people is the 
will of God, or whatever the people declare to be 
right, is right. 

Phil. Yes, Judge, that is the doctrine — the will 
of the people — I go that. 

Judge. Phil, you must have seen a good deal in 
your day, having been so long about these public 



THE PniLOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 41 

places. I remember of seeing you at the Black 
Bear Hotel when I was a boy, over thirty years 
ago. 

Phil. Yes, I was there thirty years ago, Judge. 

Judge. Phil, yon must be a pretty old man. 

Phi®. Well, Judge, I am past sixty, and 1 find I 
cannot stand what I could once, yet I am smarter 
than a good many younger men. 

JuDGF. Phil, you can't drink so much rum now 
as you did twenty years ago ? 

Phil. Well, Judge, as for that I drink about all 
I can get ; yet I do not drink as much as I did, and 
I do not suppose I could stand it. I did not used to 
mind a quart a day ; now I don't believe I could 
stand up under it. 

Judge. Phil, how is it they say that rum kills 
people? Now you have drank hard over forty 
years, and you are pretty smart yet. 

Phil. Well, Judge, I will tell you, it does kill 
some men. I can count up several around here, 
men whom I knew, who killed themselves with rum. 
They were lying about the streets here drunk day 
after day, w^th nothing to eat. They soon died off, 
most of them less than fifty years old. 

Judge. Phil, you would have been a rich man 
if you had not drank rum. All the rum you have 
consumed would have amounted to a fortune. 

Phil. Oh no, Judge! I would have spent it 
some other w^ay perhaps. 

Judge. How much rum, Phil, do you suppose 
you have drank for the last thirty-five years \ How 
much would it average per day % 



42 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Phil. Well, Judge, I used to drink a quart a 
day, and sometimes more. I would buy a pint, be- 
sides all my drinks at the bar. I don't average 
more than a pint now. Well, I suppose if all the 
rum I ever drank was put in one place it would 
float the Great Eastern. • 

Judge. Well, we will say that for the last thirty- 
five years you have drank a pint and a half a day. 
There are 365 days in a year ; that w^ould make 365 
pints and 365 half pints=448 pints=224 quarts in 
a year ; for thirty-five years===7,840 quarts. Half of 
that you have drank in drams. It has cost you 
about 50 cents a day altogether, or=182 dollars a 
year; thirty -five years=6,387 dollars. If it had 
been on interest, it would have amounted to over 
12,000 dollars. 

Phil. Well, it cannot be helped now. Judge. It 
is a good deal to drink, but it has not hurt me much, 
neither did I pay for all of it. 

Judge. Phil, don't you find that rum hurts you 
now w^hen you drink freely ? 

Phil. Yes, it makes me feel diff'erently from 
what it did formerly ; it makes me dull and sleepy, 
and when I wake up I feel worse than the devil. 

Judge. Do you know how the devil feels, Phil ? 

Phil. I suppose the Old Nick does a good deal 
of mischief, and gets badly punished for it. I have 
no doubt he drinks more liquid fire than I do. 

Judge. Phil, old as you are, had you not better 
taper ofi*, and quit drinking? If you would, you 
would be very respectable. 

Phil. Judge, what do you mean ? Ain't I re- 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 43 

spectable? Do you see me lying around drunk? 
Don't I take care of myself, and get home without 
the assistance of others ? 

Judge. Well, Pliil, I have seen you pretty drunk, 
so much so that you could scarcely walk at all. 

Phil. Judge, to be plain, I really think there is 
more danger of your being a drunkard than me. 

Judge. Why, Pliil, how much rum must a man 
drink to be a drunkard ? Would not a quart a day 
make liim a drunkard ? Would not enough to float 
the Great Eastern make him a drunkard ? 

Phil. To be candid. Judge, I think one-half of 
those quantities would make you a drunkard, as well 
as many others ; yet I believe I have never been so 
drunk as to require assistance to get home. But, 
Judge — excuse me — it is reported, and I have it cor- 
rectly — in fact I know it — on a certain occasion your 
honor was so intoxicated that a friend was under the 
necessity of seeing your honor home. 

Judge. When did you hear of that Phil, and 
who told you ? 

Phil. I heard it straight enough ; more than 
that, 1 know it is so, Judge. I do not say that you 
are in the habit of getting in that situation ; in fact, 
I know that you are not. 

Judge. Well, Phil, that was on an extraordinary 
occasion ; and there were others — honorable men — 
in a worse condition* than I was. You would be 
surprised if I should mention the names of gentle- 
men who were really drunk on that night. 

Phil. I would not be surprised at anything, 
Judge. 



44 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Judge. I have always been ashamed of that 
night's proceedings, but, Phil, do yon think there is 
danger of me becoming dissipated ? 

Phil. Now, Judge, yon have asked me a ques- 
tion ; I suppose yon want a candid answer. 

Judge. Certainly I do. 

Phil. Well, let us review the ground. Judge; 
have yon not drank more rum to-day than I have ? 

Judge. Oh no, Phil, I guess not. 

Phil. Well, let us see. This morning you were 
at the Kamtschatka (formerly Scampchatta) House. 
I had an errand there, and I saw yon talking with 
Judge LTpdown of the Supreme Court, and Lawyer 
Seethrough, and I know that they would invite you 
to drink, and yon them — that w^ould make three 
drinks to start with. Is not that so. Judge ? 

Judge. Yes, Phil, yon are right so far. 

Phil. Well, Judge, you went from the Kamt- 
schatka House to the Walrus Hotel ; a friend of mine" 
saw you there ; yon were talking and smoking with 
Capt. Straightup, Col. Fhdiigh, Gen. Killum, and 
Dr. Hotwater. Is not that correct. Judge ? 

Judge. Yon are quite right so far, Phil. 

Phil. Well, Judge, there are four drinks more, 
any way, and perhaps half a dozen. 

Judge. Now you are wrong, Phil ; they had just 
drank as I went in, and I askpd them to drink with 
me, and they did so. Then ^e smoked cigars fur- 
nished by Gen. Killum. After the space of a quar- 
ter of an hour's chat. Col. Flyhigh treated to drinks, 
and we parted. 

Phil. All right, Judge ; thence you went to the 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE., 4:5 

Shakspeare Hotel. I know that, for I had a little 
hitsiness there myself. I saw you in the further bar- 
room, where a drink costs a little more than in the 
room where I was. Of course. Judge, you go 
among the first-class ; but you know that respecta- 
bility costs too much for me. Judge, so I took a 
drink in the lower house with Farmer Long. Well, 
I saw you there, Judge, conversing with Mr. Grolden 
the importer, Mr. Fairface the merchant, and Mr. 
Hawksfeather the editor of the '' Imperial Gazette." 
I also saw in the room Mr. Crowtracks, the principal 
writer of the " Alaska Journal of Commerce ;" and 
your friend Mr. Fulljug, editor of the " American 
Politician," a journal devoted, you know. Judge, to 
free speech and free voting to certain classes^ free 
plunder and stealing to such as may desire to take a 
hand ; but the only gr.od thing it advocates is f7'ee 
ru7rh to all. I saw also Mr. Comforttaker, the ves- 
tryman, go into the bar-room. I don't say that he 
drank anything. Judge. Now, Judge, how many 
drinks did you take at the Shakspeare? Come, own up. 

Judge. Well, Phil, I took three drinks and a 
smoke. 

Phil. That makes — let me see — three at the 
Kamtschatka, two at the Walrus House, and three 
at the Shakspeare — eight in all. How many drinks 
you took before you came here, I have no means of 
knowing. Judge. 

Judge. That is all, Phil ; and I have not drank 
so much before in one day for a long time. If I had 
had business on hand I should not have drank more 
than three glasses all day. 



46 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Phil. I believe yoii, Judge. Now, Judge, al- 
low me to tell you what I think, and what others 
think too. Well, to be plain, we think that you 
often take a little too much, for a Judge. 

Judge. Why, Phil, you astonish me ; do people 
think so ? 

Phil. They certainly do. Now, Judge, you are 
a rising man, and if you will take my advice you 
will come out all right. Judge, you must excuse 
me for being so plain ; you will not be offended for 
what I say. You know I am called old Phil Iron- 
side — drunken old man — true, all but the drunken. 
My reputation, Judge, is made. You cannot stand 
drinking like me ; you are a wooden-bottomed man, 
Judge, and, like a wooden ship, if you are not care- 
ful you will have your bottom and sides knocked in, 
and you will go down to rise no more, or possibly be 
hauled up high and dry for repairs before you are 
aware of it. You are a smart and capable man, 
Judge, and if you will take my advice you will be 
the gainer. I know all about drinking ; I know 
how it affects me and others. I know that there is 
not one young man in fifty now living, who can 
drink as I have, and live to see fifty years. Then, in 
all candor, Judge, let me say to you, as a rising man, 
drink lightly and seldom. 

Judge. Phil Ironside, your advice is most excel- 
lent. I will try and profit by it. Let us take a 
drop and retire. {They drinh,) 

Phil. By-the-by, Judge, wdiat was that great 
occasion when so many of you got high ? 

Judge. Why, Phil, you certainly have not for- 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 47 

gotten that. It was the greatest day we ever had 
in the town of Allbusiness ; it was the reception of 
Kamkamer, the King of Kamtschatka, and suite, by 
the town authorities. 

Phil. Oh yes, Judge, I recollect it now distinct- 
ly. It was six or seven years ago. Oh yes, that 
was a great time. The king and suite came to the 
city drawn by ten grizzly bears and fifty Lapland 
dogs. 

Judge. Yes, Phil, that certainly was one of the 
greatest demonstrations we ever had in this town. 
The streets were jammed with people eager to catch 
a glimpse of his Majesty and attendants, with their 
long team of bears and dogs. 

Phil. Well, Judge, I can assure you I did not 
run after the king and party. I was down at the 
old Black Bear Hotel, and I did not think it worth 
my while to go across the street to look at such bar- 
barians. Most people make fools of themselves on 
such occasions. Judge. I would not give a glass of 
grog for the whole party. 

Judge. You know, Phil, that the authorities ex- 
tented to his Majesty and suite the freedom of the 
town. 

Phil. His Majesty and suite ! who were his 
suite ? Tliey were nothing but a lot of bear and 
dog drivers. 

Judge. There were with his Majesty his Secretary 
of State or Prime Minister, Mr. Kuka, and his son. 
Mr. Kuka was a very great man ; but the others, 
excepting his son, were not of much importance. 
You will recollect, Phil, that at the banquet given 



48 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

to his Majesty at the Scampchatta House (after- 
ward called the Kamtschatka, in honor of the king) 
I was appointed to make the principal speech. 

Phil. Yes, I was in the bar-room below the hall, 
and heard your voice ring through the house — and 
occasionally^ there would be roars of laughter— so I 
knew that you were all right, Judge. It was re- 
ported. Judge, that you had, on that occasion, all 
kinds of liquor ; but the king and his party would 
not take a drop of brandy, gin, whisky, nor any 
strong drink whatever ; but called for oil to drink. 

Judge. That was so ; they would not touch the 
best of our liquors, but called for oils. So a large 
quantity of different oils were furnished, and every 
time toasts were drunk the king and attendants 
would fill their glasses with the various oils, and 
drink their contents oft* so smoothly that it created 
roars of laughter among the guests. 

Phil. Yes, Judge, while yourself and other dis- 
tinguished citizens were getting drunk on your fine 
liquors, these barbarians were entirely sober. 

Judge. That is so ; and I believe the king drank 
over a quart of the diff'erent oils, and each of the 
otliers about the same quantity. It would fairly 
bring the house down with laughter to see his Maj- 
esty smack his lips after drinking a tumbler full of 
petroleum. 

Phil. I recollect. Judge, that the grizzly bears 
and dogs, with their drivers, were entertained at the 
Black Bear Hotel, then kept by Daniel Hiderspider, 
and he made a pretty good thing out of them. And 
we had much sport with those fellows, too. One 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 49 

night, after they had eat all the food they could get, 
they actually drank all the oil out of the oil cans, 
and then broke the lamps and drank all the oil out 
of them. Then they opened a box of sperm candles 
and eat them all up. Well, Hiderspider was terribly 
vexed at this conduct, and sent for Mr. Kuka, the 
king's secretary, to come and pay the damages. 
Kuka immediately repaired to the Black Bear Hotel, 
and on his arrival he was informed of the conduct of 
his men, and requested to pay the damages. But 
Mr. Kuka refused to pay on the ground that the 
mayor of the city had extended to the king and 
party the freedom of the town, and therefore they 
had a right to take whatever they wanted. In that 
respect Mr. Kuka showed himself a sensible man. 
But Mr. Hiderspider did not see it in that light, and 
threatened him with a suit at law. Mr. Kuka then 
consulted his Majesty about the matter, who imme- 
diately ordered him to pay the bill. 

Judge. Mr. Kuka took a singular view of the 
freedom of the city, yet a very natural one. 

Phil. Mr. Hiderspider after that gave these men 
all the petroleum they wanted, and charged Mr. 
Kuka an enormous price for it. I recollect that he 
paid so liberally that Mr. Hiderspider changed the 
name of the hotel from Black Bear to Grizzly Bear, 
in honor of the bears, I suppose. 

Judge. And I believe you had much fun Avith 
the men ? 

Phil. Yes; by some trick two or three of the 
men were persuaded to take brandy, and it made 
them dead-drunk. Oh ! they were so drunk they 
8 



50 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPEKA'N'CE. 

conld scarcely move at all for two days. The king 
was sent for: lie came, looked at them, and shook 
his head significantly, and said to Kuka : '' This is 
a very unhealthy climate ; some terrible disease rages 
here, and we will all get it if we stay longer. I have 
seen all I wish of American civilization in this town 
of Allbusiness." So the king ordered the bears and 
dogs to be pnt to the royal vehicle early in the morn- 
ing, and they left the town hastily, amid the cheers 
and huzzas of an admiring people — I mean admiring 
fools. I except you. Judge ; I know the circum- 
stances in which you were placed. 

Judge. It is singular that the Kamtschatkans are 
so fond of oil ; yet I believe that to be the case with 
all people who live in very cold countries. 

Phil. Perhaps, Judge, it would be better for us 
to drink oil instead of so much rum. 

Judge. Phil, like the Kamtschatkans we really do 
drink oil. The only difference is, that while they 
take petroleu7)i, we drink y*^5^7 oil, I am off; good- 
by, Phil. 

Phil. Farewell, Judge ; success to you. 



Of the many families made miserable by intox- 
icating drinks, I will only speak of a few instances 
which have come under my observation. Mr. James 
Woodenbottom is one of those crazy, dare-devil sort 
of men, which we often meet. When he is drunk he 
is very cross and abusive to his family. His wife is 
a very nice woman, kind-hearted and timid to a 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 51 

fault. Her suiferings are very great on account of 
her husband's conduct toward her. The following 
is only a specimen of what often transpires at his 
house. Woodenbotton came home one night not 
long since crazy with rum. What is remarkable 
about him he always has a good use of his legs and 
tongue while his brain is entirely upset. As he en- 
tered the door of his house he commenced cursing 
and swearing at his wife. He asked his wife several 
questions in an angry mood, and blamed her for 
everything that was done or not done, as may be 
seen by the following conversation : 

WooDENBOTTOM. Well, you are here, are you, old 
lady ? 

Wife. Yes, I am here ; why did yoa stay so 
long? 

Wood. That is my business. Are the horses fed ? 

Wife. No, I guess not ; you know that Johnny is 
too little to water and feed the horses. 

Wood. Too little (here he cursed terribly) ; you 
are bringing that boy up in idleness. I never can 
have anything done when I am away. 

Wife. You ought to be home to see that things ^ 
are done properly and in time. 

Wood. I ought to be home ! I will do as I please 
about that. I will let you know that I am master 
of the situation. (Here he takes his wife by the arm 
and pulls her up from her chair with great violence.) 
Now get me something to eat immediately. 

Wife. I will, if you will ask me kindly. 

Wood. I shan't ask you again. I say get me 
some supper, or by — 



52 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Wife. I am getting it as fast as I can. 

Wood. Where is Johnny ? 

Wife. He has gone over to his Aunt Mary's. 

Wood. Gone over to his Annt Mary's ! I want 
him home to help me. What did you let him go to 
his Aunt Mary's for 5 

Wife. He asked me if he might go and stay a 
little while, and I told him he might. 

Wood. Did I not tell you not to let him go there ; 
and if you did, that I would whip him and you too ? 

(Here Winterbottom grew terribly ferocious, and 
suddenly flew at his wife with such a determined 
and threatening manner, that she was compelled to 
make her escape out of the house to save herself 
from bodily injury. And Susan, a girl of twelve 
years old, who had all this time been sitting quiet 
from fear, instantly followed her mother. So Mr. 
Woodenbottom had to stay alone till he got sober, 
then his wife and daughter went home, and domes- 
tic affairs resumed their accustomed rounds. But 
there is little comfort in that family. Woodenbot- 
tom makes himself and family perfectly miserable. 
Poor wife and child ! what can they do ? Kind 
treatment appears to have no effect upon Mr. James 
Woodenbottom.) 

There is Mr. William Woodenbottom, a cousin 
of James, who is a drinking man, too, and goes on 
sprees, but fortunately or unfortunately for him, he 
has a wife who appreciates his character, and under- 
stands her own rights very well. Mrs. William 
Woodenbottom is not only a strong-minded but a 
strong-limbed woman. On a certain occasion when 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 53 

her William reached home — which he did with diffi- 
culty, being decidedly drunk- — the way she pitched 
into him is a "caution" to all who indulge in strong 
drink. As Woodenbottom entered the door, "Ah ! " 
she exclaimed, " you have fetched up at last, have 
ye!" 

Wife. Now you are drunk as a beast, you vil- 
lain ! how dare you act in this manner ? I'll learn 
you better than this. (Here she grips him by the 
collar, and, with a sudden jerk, sends him half across 
the room, sprawling on the floor.) Get up ; you are 
so drunk you can't get up. 

WooDENBOTTOM. You had bet-better be careful. 
I'll fix you for this. 

Wife. You'll fix me ! what can you do ? (Here 
she takes him by the collar and stands him up and 
shakes him as a terrier does a rat.) Now sit down 
in that chair and keep still. 

Wood. I can't speak, eh ? 

Wife. No, you can't speak. You are a pretty 
man to go ofi* and stay all night, spending all your 
money for rum, when your family are suffering for 
clothes. Here is Jane who has not a shoe to her 
feet; and Johnny and Willie have to stay home 
from school because they have no clothes fit to wear. 
That very money you spent last night I expected to 
have to buy something for the children. 

Wood. Don't get era-crazy. I've got money 
yet. 

Wife. Let me see your pocket-book. Oh ! you 
are so drunk you can't get it out. I'll take it out for 
you. (She thrusts her hand into his trowsers 



54: THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

pocket and brings it out.) You had six dollars 
when you went away ; now you have only two left. 
You have drank it up or given it away, or some- 
body has robbed you. 

Wood. Nobody has robbed me. 

Wife. It matters not, the money is gone ; and 
you ought to have a cowhiding — such a simple fool 
as you are. Oh ! I am so vexed I have a good mind 
to pull the hair oat of your head. (Here she takes 
him by the hair and jerks him out of the chair.) 

Wood. Oh, oh, for God sake don't pull the 
ha-hair all out of my head ! 

Wife. Well, I will just shut you up in that 
closet. (She opens the door.) Go in there now. 

Wood. I shan't do it. 

Wife. Shan't do it, eh ! I'll put you in there 
before you can say Jack Robinson. (Here she col- 
lars him and a struggle ensues, but she finally gets 
him into the closet and fastens the door.) 

Wood. Open the door and let me out. 

Wife. No, sir ; not till you promise to behave 
yourself. 

Wood. Open the do-door, wife. (He kicks the 
door.) 

Wife. Stop your kicking against the door, or I'll 
keep you there all day Will you promise to behave 
yourself? 

Wood. I tell you to open the do-door. 

Wife. Won't you get drunk any more ? 

Wood. No, ma-marm. 

Wife. Is that sure ? 

Wood. Yes, it is sure as fa-fate. 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 55 

"Wife. Won't you go to the rumshops any more ? 

Wood. No, no ; do let me out. 

Wife. Do you promise upon your word and 
honor that you will not spend your money for rum? 

Wood. Yes, I promise; let me out, or I'll kick 
the door through. 

Willie. Mother, won't you let papa out? it is 
dark in there, and I guess he is hungry. 

Wife. Go away, Willie, and sit down ; I will 
take care of your papa. 

Wood. I say, let me out or I'll kick the door 
down. 

Wife. You kick the door down if you dare, my 
boy. I am going to keep you in there till you prom- 
ise to behave yourself. 

Wood. Well, haven't I promised ? 

Wife. You mean it, do ve '^ 

Wood. Yes, m-marm ; I mean it. 

Jane. Ma, please let papa out — he is hungry ; I 
want to give him some of my bread and butter. 

Wife. You go away, child, and keep still; I 
won't hurt your papa. 

Jane. He says he will be good now ; let him out. 

Wife. Well, now come out. (She opens the 
door.) Now, just sit down on that chair there. 

Wood. Yes, marm ; I'll let you be the head of 
the family now, but it will be my turn soon. 

Wife. Yes, you would make a pretty head of the 
family, wouldn't you ? Where did you go to spend 
so much money ? 

Wood. Oh! I was down at the Earthen Jug 
House. 



56 .THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Wife. Earthen Jng House ! in that low rumhole, 
eh? 

Wood. Yes, marm, I was there^ 

Wife. Who was there with yon ? 

Wood. Well, Foppish Joe was there. 

Wife. Foppish Joe ! — he is a nice yonng man. 
Who else was there ? 

Wood. Well, Free-hearted Jake was there. 

Wife. Free-hearted Jake ! — he is another drunk- 
en spendthrift. Who else ? 

Wood. Well, Close-fisted Billy was there. 

Wife. Close-fisted Billy! well, I dare say that 
he did not spend his money. 

Wood. No, not a " red;" he is too mean to spend 
his own money. 

Wife. How could you spend so much money? 
you must have paid for all. 

Wood. Well, no ; I wanted to keep up my end, 
you know — -and — 

Wife. Well, I don't blame you after you got into 
it. I don't want you to get drunk on other folks' 
money, like Close-fisted Billy ; but I tell you to keep 
out of that kind of company. I tell you if you go 
there again the way I will handle you will be a cau- 
tion. 
i Wood. Yes, marm — to old people, I suppose. 

Wife. Yes, to old people, and especially to you, 
Mr. Woodenbottom. Let alone the disgrace of get- 
ting drunk, I cannot afford to have you fool away 
money for rum when myself and children are suffer- 
ing for clothes and the necessaries of lite. Now you 
understand, don't you ? 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPEEAJSTCE. 5T 

Wood. Yes, marm, I understand you. Now, 
marm, I would like a moutliful to eat. 

Wife. A mouthful to eat, eli ? you don't deserve 
a crumb. If you ever get in this way again, I will 
shut you in the closet and feed you on bread and 
water for thirty days — and so I will. 

Wood. Yes, marm ; will you get me a mouthful 
of bread now ? 

Wife. Yes, I will get you something to eat this 
time. 

Wood. Yes, do ; I begin to feel a little hungry. 

Wife. There, now, go to eating, and let me hear 
no more from you. 

Wood. Yes, marm. 

It is doubtful whether Mr. Woodenbottom would 
have been any better if he had had a wife of milder 
disposition. Notwithstanding his promises and his 
wife's threatenings he would occasionally get drunk, 
for he had a great weakness that way. It is well 
that once in a while a drunken man finds his match. 
If James Woodenbottom had a wife just like Mrs. 
William Woodenbottom, the warfare would be pretty 
equal, and in that case it would be doubtful which 
party would win the day ; yet I am inclined to be- 
lieve that victory would favor the side of Mrs. Wood- 
enbottom. 

Luke Ironside was a man who drank too much 
strong drink, and often went home to his family in a 
state of intoxication. But he was not at all like 
James and William Woodenbottom. Of course, his 
conduct was a source of annoyance to his wife and 
children, and caused them much unhappiness. Yet 
3* 



58 TfiE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

when intoxicated lie did not rave like a madman — 
he seemed to have a little sense left. His wife is an 
intelligent and kind lady, and she always treated 
him with great kindness. No doubt she took great 
interest in his welfare. By talking to him at proper 
times about his habits, she aroused within him his 
self respect and better nature, and he was enabled 
to resolve that he wonld drink no more intoxicating 
liquors. He did resolve, and he kept his resolution. 
Before Mr. Ironside reformed he had lost his business 
and the confidence of the people, and was on the 
verge of ruin ; but now he has regained the confi- 
dence of his former customers and of the people — 
and, in fact, they have trusted him with very impor- 
tant stations. 

It is not necessary to relate any particular con- 
versations between him and his wife — it is sufficient 
to say that he is a reformed and happy man; and 
his wife and children are especially made happy by 
the complete restoration of Mr. Ironside to himself. 

It is unfortunate for a woman to marry a drink- 
ing man; but she may often, by kindness, relieve 
him of much suffering — and sometimes, by using the 
proper means, reform him completely. 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 59 

My young friends, I have given sonae specimens 
of the two distinguished families, the Ironsides and 
the Woodenbottoms, of whom you are descendants ; 
and each of you, whether belonging to tlie Ironsides 
or Woodenbottoms, have the greatest possible mo- 
tives to abstain entirely from the use of strong 
drinks. If you belong to the Ironside fam.ily, 
clothed by nature with a strong, vigorous, and iron 
constitution, you should so conduct yourself as to 
develop your mental and physical powers for your 
own benefit and happiness, and also for the benefit 
of your kind. But if you are a descendant of the 
"Woodenbottoms, and nature has furnished you with 
a delicate and sensitive constitution, it is equally 
incumbent on you to take care and improve your 
faculties, so as to enjoy life, and spread joy and 
happiness all around you. Young men, you should 
study the nature of man, and try to understand the 
dignity and exaltation of which humanity is capa- 
ble, especially that exaltation which as Christian 
men we hope to realize in a future state of being. 

When you once have a just idea of the dignity 
of which men are capable, you will be prepared to 
understand the awful degradation to which they are 
capable of descending. If you study humanity in 
this light, there will spring up in your minds the 
most powerful motives never to touch that thing 
which hazards your dignity and happiness here 
and hereafter. I believe, from the hints and facts 
here given, you will thus study humanity, and will 
thereby gain a moral power which will be your 
guide and support through life. 



60 THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. 

Which of you wishes to carry about on his per- 
son visible signs of the Rum Stroke ? If you drink 
rum, you will be obliged to carry these signs wher- 
ever you go. Nature is sure to protest against any 
encroachments upon her rights. When threatened 
and outraged, she will put out her signals of distress 
and danger, and will keep them out till you come 
to her rescue, or both you and she will go down to 
death together before your time. When she shall 
have put out her signals to notify any of you of her 
suffering condition from intemperance, she will im- 
mediately haul them in, so far as she is able, when- 
ever you come to her relief by quitting the use of 
intoxicating drinks. If she does not haul her sig- 
nals entirely out of view, it is because of weakness, 
and in such cases they will remain a perpetual warn- 
ing of the crime and folly of rum-drinking. 

I have often thought that when boys and young 
men can see that the world is full of drunkards and 
Hum-stricken men — and when they read history, 
they see that it has been so for hundreds of years — 
how they dare drink a drop of strong liquor ; for 
they must know, if they drink, a large portion of 
them will surely become drunken and Rum-stricken 
men in the coming generation. Boys of ten and 
twelve years old would be horror-struck if they 
thought they were to be degraded drunkards and 
Rum-stricken men after arriving at manhood. Tet 
it is true — that lively, innocent boy, is to be a 
degraded drunkard, just as sure as fate, under our 
present civilization and customs. Let me say a 
word to you, boys. Under our present customs^ 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPERANCE. &1 

young men and boys learn to drink rum ; and so 
long as that custom prevails, a good many of you 
will become drunken and Rum-stricken men. Now, 
my lads, the future condition of the world is in your 
hands. Tou can make it a far better and happier 
world than it now is. 

Tou know very well that all the drunken and 
Hum-stricken men in the world will soon die off, 
whether they reform or not; they will soon pass 
away. Now, if every living boy who is twelve years 
old would resolve never to drink any rum at all, and 
keep his resolve, in thirty or forty years we would 
have a different world, because there would scarcely 
be a drunkard or Hum-stricken man in it, and con- 
sequently a very little crime and misery. Now, 
boys, this great reform is in your hands, and you 
can effect it very easily. Let every boy twelve 
years old put liis resolve in the book of Resolution, 
that he will be henceforth a temperance boy — a 
clean boy. In order to be a clean boy, you must 
resolve to use neither rum, tobacco, nor profane lan- 
guage. Smoking and chewing tobacco and swear- 
ing have some connection with rum-drinking. To 
be really a clean boy, you must refrain from all 
these. Now, why should you not be clean f Though 
your fathers might use rum, tobacco, and profane 
language, yet they do not wish you to do so. No, 
indeed ; they would be very glad to hear that you 
had resolved to practice none of these evil habits. 

So, lads, there is nothing in the way of your 
becoming clean hoys. Your fathers, mothers, and 
sisters will encourage you. "We will have an Order 



62 THE PHILOSOPHY OF ITs^TEMPERAlSTCE. 

of Clean Boys instituted, of wliicli every clean boy 
of twelve years can become a member. Then at 
fifteen, yon can be initiated into the " Order of Clean 
Youths;" at eighteen, into the ^' Order of Clean 
Young Men;" at twenty-one years old, into the 
^' Order of Clean Men and Model Citizens." I would 
give to the members of each Order golden medals, 
finely executed, with significant designs. 

Young men and boys, think of this fact : the 
world is in your hands. Try and realize the re- 
sponsibility you are under to make a good world 
before thirty years shall have passed. 



WATERS' 

IIW iiill Milii 

With Iron Frame, 
OVERSTRMG BASS AND AGRAFFE BRIDGE, 

Melodeons and Cabinet Organs. 

THE BEST MANUFACTURED, 
Warranted, for ^ix ^Teax-s. 

Pianos, Melodeons, and Organs. 
PRICES GREATLY REDUCED FOR CASH. 



Kew '7-Octave Pianos of first-class makers for $2'75 and upwards. 
K"ew Cabinet Organs for $45 and upwards. Second-hand Instru- 
ments from |40 to 1175. Monthly instalments received, and in- 
struments for rent. 

WAREROOMS, 481 BROADWAY. 

HORACE WATERS. 



T e § t i 111 o 11 i a 1 8 . 

The Waters Pianos are known as among the very best.— JV. Y. Evangelist. 

We can speak of the merits of the Waters Pianos from personal knowledge a3 
being of the very best quality.— CArisj^^aTi Intelligencer. 

The Waters Pianos are built of the best and most thoroughly seasoned material. 
— Advocate and Journal. 

Our friends will find at Mr. Waters' store the very best assortment of Pianos, 
Melodeons, and Organs to be found in the United States. — Graham's Maga&in^, 

Horace Waters, 481 Broadway, is famed for the excellence of his Pianos and 
Organs. — Evening Post. 

The Waters Piano ranks with the best manufactured in America. — The Inde- 
pendent^ N. Y, 

Musical Doings. — Since Mr. Waters gave up publishing sheet music, he has 
devoted all his capital and attention to the manufacture and sale of Pianos and 
Melodeons. He has just issued a catalogue of his new instruments, giving a new 
scale of prices, which shows a marked reduction from former rates, and his 
Pianos have recently been awarded the First Premium at several Fairs. Many 
people of the present day, who are attracted, if not confused, with the flaming 
advertisementSeOf rival Piano houses, probabl overlook a modest manufacturer 
like Mr. Waters ; but we happen to know that his instruments earned him a good 
reputation long before expositions and "honors" connected therewith were 
ever thought of; Indeed, we have one of Mr. Waters' Piano Fortes now in our 
residence (where it has stood for years), of which any manufacturer in the world 
might well be proud. We have always been delighted \vith it as a sweet-toned 
and powerful instrument, and there is no doubt of its durability ; more than this, 
some of the best amateur players in the city, as well as several celebrated 
pianists, have performed on the said piano, and all pronounce it a superior and 
first-class instrument. Stronger endorsement we could not give, — Home Journal, 



P^pii 



i^iPi^pp 



Kiisi^iiE^N^li^^^ 




c AN l^ii:i 6 IhS® ^ frtlloP^^ 

WITHOUT REM0VIW6GLdBE,SHADE0ReMlMHEV^^^^^^^ 



SOLD BY DEALERS GENERALLY. 

Special attention gi^^en to I'etail tracle. 

And the rumishing of Churches, Dwellings, Tactories, Hotels, Stores, &c., complete 
throughout every apartment with 

SAFE STATIONARY LIGHTS 

In place of those that are movable and dangerous. 

THE BEST REFINED KEROSENE OIL- Warranted Safe. 



NO ONE NEED BE IN THE DARK! 
All Travelers should use the 

Ptillf lllf III. 

VERY LIGHT, STRONG, AND DURABLE. Can be folded and carried in 
the pocket or traveling bag with safety and convenience, occupying the space of 
a cigar case, and are opened and closed as readily. They contain, whether open 
or closed, matches and extra candles, and are always ready for use. 

Agents for Hartshorn's Patent Folding Lamp Shades. 

Send for Circulars, address 

THE IVES PATENT LAMP CO. 

37 Barclay St. & 4S Park Place, New York. 




AH mOkw 1 ^illP 1 HJiil^^ii 

Bet. Amity & Eourtli Sts., 

KEEPERS OF THE CITY TIME, 

AND 

SOLID SILVERWARE. 
Agents for the AMERICAN WALTHAM WATCH. 

2^^ Watches Repaired in the most thorough manner, and Warranted, 
- — — »^^.-#— 

R.EA.33 THIS! 

The Lowest Price List Ever Published 

OF THE 

AMEHICAN WALTHAM WATCHES 

In Solid Gold and Coin Silver Cases only, 

I» K; I C JE @ . 

Coin Silver Hunting Watches $17 00 

Gold Hunting Watches, Gents' Size 79 50 

Gold Hunting Watches, Ladies' Size 69 50 

ALSO THE 

Benedicts' Time Watch. 

Silver Watch, Ovington Benedict $30 00 

Gold (18 kt.) 90 00 

Silver Watch, Samuel W. Benedict 45 00 

Gold (18 kt.) 105 00 

Sent to all parts of the country by express, with privilege to examine before 
paying. 

Send for a circular, and compare prices before purchasing elsewhere. 

JEWELERS, 

Aii«i K^eepers of tlie City Time, 

No. 691 BROADWAY, 

Near Fourth Street, ^WW Y®RK« 



PELOUBET, PELTON & GO., 

MANUFACTURERS OF 

S T ^ I^ D A. R D 

ORGAl and MELOBEOl 



AND DEALERS IN 



841 Broadway, New York. 




These Organs contain every improvement worthy of the name, 
and are superior in pipe-like quality and variety of tone, and in all 
true organ effects, and have been invariabl}^ awarded the First 
Prize wherever exhibited in competition. 



WAEEROOMS, 841 Broadway, lew York. 



^W Send for a Price List. =^3 



^HE J^'aTAL ^TROKE 



THE PHILOSOPHY OF INTEMPEEANCE. 



BY 



WlLLAI\p DlYOLL. 



j^EW Jork: 
BAKER & GODWIN, PRINTERS, 

PRINTING-HOUSE SQUARE. 

1869. 



STATEN ISLAND 

FlCl DOll ESTABIISHMMT. 



BARRETT NEPHEWS & CO., 

Principal Office at 5 and 7 John Street, New York. 

Branch Office in IS^EW YORK, 1142 Broadway, 2 Doors above 

26th St. (Making Two Offices (only) in New York City.) 
Branch Office in BROOKLYN, 269 Fulton St., corner of Tillary. 
in PHILADELPHIA, 41 North Eighth St. 
in BALTIMORE, 110 West Baltimore St. 
■ ♦ ■ — 

All kinds of Dress Goods, in the piece or made into Garments, 

Dyed, Cleaned, or Refiuished. 
Ladies' Dresses, Cloaks, Mantillas, &c.,in all Fabrics, Cleaned, 

without ripping. 
Gentlemen's Coats, Overcoats, Pants, Yests, &c,. Dyed or 

Cleaned, v^ithout ripping. 
Kid Gloves and Feathers Cleaned or Dyed. 
Linen and Muslin Window Shades, Chintz Curtains, &c.. 

Cleaned and Glazed. 
Lace and Muslin Curtains, Table Covers, Carpets, Rugs, &c., 

Cleaned and Refinished. 
Damask and Moreen Curtains beautifully Dyed. 
Crape Shawls, Dyed the most brilliant Shades of Crimson, or 

the more Delicate or Grave Colors. 
Cashmere, Broche, Wool, Crape and other Shawls Cleaned in 

the best manner. 

BAERETT NEPHEWS & 00. 

Abm. C, Wood, Treasurer. Nathan M. Heal, President. 
Principal office, 

Nos. 5 and 7 John Street, New York. 



Empire Shuttle Machine. 



PATENTED 

M. 14, 1860 

AND 

Sept. 18,1868 




Received the First 
Prize at the Great Fair 
of the American Insti- 
tute in New York, 
October 26, 186T. 



Received the High- 
est Premium for the 
Best Manufacturing 
Machine, at the 
PARIS EXPOSITION, 
. July, 1867. 



The New Tamily Sewing Machine. 

The extraordinary success of their new and improved manu- 
facturing Machines for light or heavy work, has induced the Empire 
Sewing Machine Co. to manufacture a New Family Machine of the 
same style and construction, with additional ornamentation, making 
it equal in beauty and finish with other Family Machines, whereas 
in usefulness it far outstrips all competitors. The price of this now 
acknowledged necessary article comes within reach of every class, 
and the Company is prepared to offer the most liberal inducements 
to buyers, dealers, and agents. 

^g" Special attention is called to our New 

Nos, 2 and 3 MANUFACTURING MACHINES. 

They have been thoroughly tested on every description of Cloth and 
Leather Work, running by steam power at the rate of 1200 Stitches 
Fer Minute. Producing more than double the work of any other 
shuttle Machine now in use; the stitch is tight, uniform, and beau- 
tiful; they are simple in construction, easily understood, and not 
liable to ^et out of order, run light, and are comparatively noiseless. 
For Tailoring or Leather work we claim that they are not only 
equal, but much superior to any other Machine that has ever been 
offered to the public. 

EMPIRE SEWING MACHINE CO., 

294 Bowery, between Houston and Eleecker Sts., 

NEW YORK. 
AGENTS WANTED. For terms apply to the Company. 



THE NEW RELIGIOUS WEEKLY. 

The Christian Union 

Is an. Unseciarian, Independent Journal, det'oted to Eeligion, Jlorals, 
lieforin, Foreign and Domestic Hews of the Church and the World, 
Literature, Science, Art, Agriculture, Trade, Finance, etc. And con- 
taining Household Stories. Choice Poems, Walks with the Children, etc. 
Contributions from WELL KJsWWK AND EMINENT WRITERS, 
together with 

HENRY WARD BEEOHER'S 

EDITORIALS AND LECTURE-ROOM TALKS. 

Aiming to be a truly Christian Journal, and a complete Family Newspapor, 
and having for its highest purpose the presentation of ESSENTIAL BIBLE 
TRUTH, it will advocate, in the spirit of love and liberty, the fellowship and 
cooperation of Christ's people of every name. Recognizing the right and the 
necessity of different Church organizations as the natural result of the many- 
mindedness of mankind, it will endeavor to treat all Christian denominations 
with fairness and love, stating its own opinions with frankness but in kindness, 
and providing an arena for courteous debate not hedged in by sectarian bound- 
aries. Without under-valuing doctrinal truth, it will chiefly strive to foster and 
enforce Christianity, as a Life, rather than as a theological system. 

In this connection, the Publishers feel a crowning assurance of strength in 
that thej' have secured a special and peculiar interest in the paper on the part 
of the man whose stirring discourses, and broad, rich writings on themes of 
Christian life have done so much toward developing the spirit of unity among 
Christ's people of everv name. The strong and Already conspicuous leadership 
of the REV. HEXRY WAKD BEECHER in this direction of popular Christian 
feehng is too well known to need more than mention here; suflSce it to say, he 
is constantly represented from week to week in its Editorial and other columns, 
and is its RESPONSIBLE EDITOR, and will call to his aid some of the best and 
most notable talent of the land. 

With these advantages, the Publishers confidently commend to the reading 
Christian public this young and vigorous journal. TRE CHRISTIAN UNION. 



Its Form—Sixteen Pages, Cut and Stitched, 

so convenient, both for use and preservation, as to be a great and special merit 
in its favor, apart from its superior literarj'- attractions. 

Its Circulation iVIore than Doubled 

during the first month of Mr. Bekcber's identification with its interests, is now 
making even more rapid strides forward. 



Its Price: Only $2.50 Per Year. 

And to all who subscribe now for 18T0, it will be sent for the rem under of the 
year, FREE. Subscribe for it I Get others to take it! 

Circulars sent, upon application, containing List of liberal 

Cash Commissions and Premiums. 



Specimen copies of the 'Christian Union" sent free, to any 

address, by 

J. B. FORD & CO., Publishers, 39 Park Row, New Vork. 



